


The First

by shakeitoffpluto



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut, first time blow job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 08:46:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15860232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakeitoffpluto/pseuds/shakeitoffpluto
Summary: Kihyun can't really explain how it happened the first time. He can say that it happened naturally and was, surprisingly, not that weird.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This is my first ever fic. Why I thought attempting smut was a good idea is anyone's guess. Apparently, I think Kihyun cusses a lot in his head. I will take all the criticism. Don't be shy.

Kihyun can’t really explain how it happened the first time. He can say that it happened naturally and was, surprisingly, not that weird.

Kihyun cares about his members, okay? He'd even admit that they are like a family.

Yes. A veritable household of stress, moody boys, snoring, obnoxious laughter when one is trying to get some fucking sleep, too little privacy and too much laundry. Honestly, he has a lot he can and does complain about. The bathroom, for starters. The mirror is always fogged over from an endless stream of showers. He always steps in puddles because some people don't know how to properly close a shower curtain, and that really sucks when you're wearing socks. Also, there is Poo-pourri in arms reach from the toilet. Do us all a favor and respect your brothers' noses. The kitchen. The dish soap and sponge are right next to the faucet. How hard is to wash your damn dishes or to wipe up the crumbs you left behind? The entryway. There is a system for a reason. Everyone has their own shelf area to discard their shoes. Yet every day, the shelf ends up bare and Kihyun is wading through a sea of shoes like he's in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese. So, maybe he's a bit harried from time to time. Some may accuse him of being too high-strung. Is it any wonder? 

Regardless, he likes his members. A lot. They have each other's backs. There is no one else that can understand the woes and fears of the life they've chosen. It's exhilarating to share that rush of performing and receiving the love of their fans. He's part of a pretty amazing team and he couldn't be more proud of his members. So when somebody is not doing well, it doesn't sit well with him. Being an idol is a blessing, but the stress involved is insurmountable. Feeling like you're not good enough is a permanent state of mind. In some ways, it's a good thing. It drives us to improve ourselves. Eating healthier, exercising, increasing vocal lessons and dance lessons, studying language, studying in general, developing new talents to show, etc. It's just that it is so easy to take it too far. Like Hyunwoo's been doing.

Hyunwoo's stretched himself so thin and Kihyun's afraid he's going crumble any day now. Their leader is just too obtuse to notice. He's never home and when he is home, he's certainly not resting. This is how Hyunwoo's days pan out: he'll be out the door before anyone else is awake, return from whatever program or show he was recording all day, eat, study, listen to Hoseok's projects, check in with members to see how they're doing, go to the company gym, followed by the dance studio, come back, shower, review scripts for the next day in the living room because everyone is sleeping and he doesn't want to disturb anyone, then finally crash for a precious few hours of sleep. This has been going on for nearly a month, right after returning from their tour.

It's not healthy and it's beginning to show. Of course, he still looks as healthy as an ox. The bastard can eat whatever he wants and still look like a god. It's in the tense line of his shoulders, the way he keeps rubbing the back of his neck, the stifled yawns and the smiles that don't quite reach his eyes anymore. Kihyun's not alone in his worry. They've all commented on it. 

Meetings for their fall comeback started a week ago. This was one of their favorite parts of the process. Selecting the songs, deciding on the mood they wanted to convey, perusing the ideas their stylists put together. There's so much back and forth and revision after revision. It was times like these when they realized just how many people make Monsta X possible. It's humbling, and collaborative, and exciting, and frustrating, and slow, and fast. It's the best. They've all been energized by the approaching comeback, Hyunwoo included. Unfortunately, preparing for a comeback is a whole buffet of duties to add on to Hyunwoo's already full plate.

Friday evening, they ordered takeout and settled into the living room to watch a movie. Hyunwoo excused himself after eating, retreating to his room. It was something he’d been doing a lot instead of relaxing and spending time with them. Halfway through the movie, Kihyun quietly cleaned up dinner and gently knocked on Hyunwoo’s door.

“Come in,” Hyunwoo answered.

Kihyun slipped in, closing the door behind him. Hyunwoo was at his desk, choreography notebook in front of him and one of the new demos playing softly on the computer.  
Hyunwoo dropped his pencil and regarded Kihyun, “What’s up?” he asked.

“Just seeing what you were up to. I couldn’t really get into the movie.”

“I’m planning out the choreography for our new song. Rough draft. Want to sit?” Hyunwoo asked, pointing to the chair at Hoseok’s desk.

Kihyun nodded and rolled the chair next to Hyunwoo. Looking down at the notebook, he laughed. “I don’t really know what any of this means.”

Hyunwoo smiled. “You’re not supposed to. It makes sense to me though.”

A silence stretched for a few minutes while Hyunwoo restarted the song and made some adjustments to the paper.

“Hyung? Are…are you okay? I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything or whatever, I’m here." Kihyun inwardly cringed. Heart-to-hearts were not something they did.

Hyunwoo glanced up at Kihyun with an arched brow. “I’m okay. Thank you, though...Are you? Okay?”

“Mhmm.” Kihyun nodded. He hesitated for a moment. “It’s just…I, we, think you seem a bit exhausted and stressed. And then you keep withdrawing to your room, you know? We kind of miss you.” Kihyun said, blushing, wondering why the hell he came in here in the first place.

Shownu huffed with a smile. “I’m not withdrawing to my room to be alone and brood. I’m just trying to give the best comeback possible. We've got this exciting title track. Hosek and Jooheon are producing and writing great songs. It’s my job to produce the best stages for them.”

Kihyun sighed. “Okay. I get it, but we’d all feel better if you took a little bit of time to relax and unwind from time to time. You're doing too much. Just looking at you these days makes me tense.”

“Hmm. It must be pretty bad if you, of all people, are telling me to relax.” he mocked.

Kihyun smacked his arm and relaxed into his chair, glancing at the playlist on the screen. “Is that last one the song Hoseok is working on?”

Hyunwoo nodded, clicking play and rolling his neck. He settled back into his chair and closed his eyes with a sigh.

There weren’t any vocals at this point, just the music. It sounded like a slow and sexy R&B track. It was nice. Kihyun stared at Hyunwoo. It wasn't fair. His bare face was so handsome, plush lips slightly parted, bronzed skin illuminated from the lamp. The breadth of his body almost seemed too big for the chair.

Kihyun examined his tense shoulders and splayed legs, then slid out of his chair and in between Hyunwoo’s stupidly long legs. On his knees, he hesitantly placed his hands on top of Hyunwoo’s thighs. Hyunwoo opened his eyes and looked down into Kihyun’s, confused. A moment passed. Kihyun hadn’t realized his heart was pounding so fast until Hyunwoo leaned back a little further into his chair, widening his legs a fraction more, staring down at Kihyun. Exhaling shakily, Kihyun scooted a little closer running his hands down to his knees and back up a few times. Swallowing, Kihyun took the elastic of his basketball shorts in his fingers and looked up at their leader. Hyunwoo gripped the arms of the chair and lifted his hips, Kihyun sliding the shorts off and tossing them aside. Hyunwoo’s cock was as nice as his body. It fucking figures. Kihyun gently gripped it with one hand while his other hand splayed across the top of his thigh. 

Hyunwoo’s eyes dropped close and his thighs tensed as he waited for something to happen…

....

”Uh, Kihyun?” Hyunwoo looked down at him, who seemed to be frozen. Hyunwoo immediately straightened in his chair placing his hand over the hand grasping his thigh. “You can stop.”

“No!” Kihyun cut him off, fingernails biting into his leg for a second. “Just nervous.” He promptly hid his face in his inner thigh and gripped him more firmly.

Hyunwoo had never seen Kihyun so red. He bit away a grin in case Kihyun looked up at him. Kihyun's hand slowly and firmly started stroking him as he continued to hide.

Feeling him hardening under his hand and hearing his breath pick up, Kihyun lifted his face and looked up. Hyunwoo’s eyes were dark and the way they stared down at him was electrifying. He brought his lips close to the tip and faltered again, breath ghosting over the head, Hyunwoo’s thighs and stomach twitching in anticipation. Taking courage, Kihyun pressed his tongue to the slit, tasting him. Hyunwoo jerked and a jolt of something went through Kihyun. He began licking at the slit as Hyunwoo’s hands tightened on the arms of the chair. “Kihyun, please.” he bit out. Kihyun stroked the length as he wrapped his lips around him, sliding his tongue back and forth under the head before sucking. 

“Jesus.” Hyunwoo moaned.

Fuck, Kihyun liked this. The heat radiating off Hyunwoo, the taste and feel of him, the pleasure he was giving him. Kihyun was overwhelmed as if he was the one that was going to shake apart. Kihyun stationed his grip at the base and tested how far he could comfortably take Hyunwoo into his mouth. Not all that far, it seemed, pulling off and coughing. 

Hyunwoo took Kihyun’s face in hands, taking in his wet lips and chin and his dark eyes. “Okay?” he asked. 

In lieu of replying, Kihyun dove down to take him into his mouth again, bobbing up and down while he stroked the base. Hyunwoo rested his hands in Kihyun’s hair, gripping hard onto the soft strands on particularly powerful sucks. “Fuck, Kihyun.” he groaned.

Kihyun’s body was on fire. How could doing this feel so good? He moaned as he tried to take him down further again, the vibrations shaking through Hyunwoo as he reflexively thrust into his mouth, gagging him.

“Shit. Sorry.” Hyunwoo apologized, letting go of his hold on Kihyun's head.

Not pulling off, Kihyun’s hands directed Hyunwoo’s back to his head. Looking up at Hyunwoo pleadingly.

Hyunwoo stood up, and tilting Kihyun's head up, began fucking his mouth slowly. Kihyun was so thankful Hyunwoo took over because he was losing his damn mind. He couldn’t focus, only wanting more of him. Kihyun impatiently slapped his hip, urging him to go faster. Hyunwoo obliged, each hot, wet, sucking slide taking him further to the edge. He couldn't look away from Kihyun. His lips were so red, his face flushed, he'd destroyed his hair. He wasn't able to thrust fully, but it didn't matter, the fact that Kihyun was so into this was driving him crazy.

Kihyun felt completely out of control, he was too hot, too worked up. Everywhere Hyunwoo touched, his head, his neck, his jaw, tingled. He felt drugged by the taste of him. The weight of him in his mouth was too good.

Panting, Hyunwoo moaned, “I’m close.” 

Heat suffused Kihyun’s whole body as he took control. Rapidly jerking his length as he sucked the top. “Kihyun, fuck, I’m coming,” Hyunwoo warned, weakly pushing at his shoulder. Kihyun moaned a negative and continued to stroke and suck. Hyunwoo tensed, biting his lips as his hands squeezed Kihyun’s shoulders. Despite expecting it, Kihyun spluttered, swallowing what he could and slowing his strokes as Hyunwoo calmed. Hyunwoo shakily fell back into the chair, exhausted. Kihyun continued to hold his cock as he breathed harshly, cum at the corner of his mouth. Hyunwoo reached out and caressed his face, wiping it away with his thumb. Kihyun dazedly leaned forward once more, bringing his cock to his mouth again, lazily and softly wiping his mouth back and forth on the tip.

Hyunwoo groaned in disbelief, watching as Kihyun's lips glided back and forth over him as if he was applying lip balm. Hyunwoo wasn't entirely sure he wasn't dreaming this whole thing.

Kihyun let go and rested his head on his thigh. He felt nervous and shy, unwilling to look up at Hyunwoo. He became aware of how achingly hard he was. Honestly, Kihyun wasn’t really sure what came over him. He certainly didn’t enter this room intending to suck his leader off. What if I just fucked things up? Kihyun swallowed a lump of worry. Angling his head on his thigh, Kihyun nervously glanced up at Hyunwoo.

Hyunwoo looked down at Kihyun fondly, relaxed and sleepy. They shared an awkward smile.

Kihyun pushed himself up using Hyunwoo’s knees. Standing on shaky legs, he pulled his sweatshirt down, covering his bulge. He started to back away towards the door and Hyunwoo took his wrist. “Where are you going? I want to-”

“No. Uh, I’m just going…to take a shower. You should get some sleep.” He gently pulled his wrist from Hyunwoo’s hold and backed up to the door, a hand behind him grasping the handle. He looked at Hyunwoo, who was adorably confused. “Maybe next time.” he stammered. Heart in his throat and face on fire, he exited and all but ran to the bathroom.

Hyunwoo ran a hand down his face. "What the fuck just happened?" he thought, bonelessly sprawled in the chair. That was unexpected. And amazing. The image of Kihyun on his knees was burned in his mind. The only thing he wanted more than sleep at this moment was to hold Kihyun and damn if that wasn't confusing. He was just too tired to think about it tonight. Tomorrow.

The door swung open and Hosek sauntered in. "Hyung, you should have watched-Jesus! Lock the door when you need some alone time!" he shouted, running back out and shutting the door.

Hyunwoo grabbed his shorts off the floor. "Sorry!"


	2. So Maybe A Little Awkward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is how the next day unravels. Tbh, I never really intended to add on to 'First Time.' That was just a little scenario in my head that I attempted to put into words. I didn't have a storyline in mind at all. But then I got all angsty and this business came out.

Hyunwoo grudgingly woke up to the vibrations of the alarm under his pillow. He rubbed his eyes, swiping the alarm off.

Damn. It was going to be another long day. He grabbed his clothes and stumbled to the bathroom.

Last night was on a continuous loop in his brain. Standing under the hot spray, his skin sizzled thinking about it. He couldn’t resist taking himself into hand and reliving it. Kihyun had looked so good down there between his legs, flushed, lips wet and red. He could almost feel those kitten licks on him now, how his hot mouth surrounded him. He tightened thinking about what he could have done to him if he’d stayed. He would have looked so good under him. If Kihyun got that worked up giving pleasure, he couldn’t imagine how he would look receiving it. His brain short-circuited at that and it wasn’t long before he watched his release go down the drain. Breathing hard, he guiltily turned the water cold. He mentally shook himself and finished showering.

Hyunwoo rinsed the razor and splashed water onto his face. Examining his face in the mirror, he thought, "Yoo Kihyun, what have we done?" He had gotten swept away last night. Now, he felt he fucked up. He should have stopped it. It was so, so good. And it was definitely an encounter he’d be using in the shower again. But realistically, what could come of it?

And what did last night even mean? Hyunwoo thought back to last summer when Kihyun was outed to having absolutely zero experience during a particularly horrifying game of Never Have I Ever. There were some things, Hoseok, Minhyuk, that we really did not need to know about each other. Kihyun had never even kissed anyone. Hyunwoo wasn’t all that surprised by that revelation. None of them were. He was pretty sure Jooheon kept downgrading each “Never have I ever…” just to have it confirmed. Kihyun gave off virgin vibes and was kind of a goodie-goodie as a trainee. He didn’t seem like the type to make a move, which was why last night was so unexpected. Maybe he was just curious and wanted to experiment. It’s not like Kihyun’s admiration for his body was a secret. Even fans picked up on it to an extent.

or…

Could there be feelings involved? This was the thought that terrified Hyunwoo. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt him. Kihyun puts on a confident face, but he's not actually like that unless it has to do with singing or performing. For an idol, his skin is way too thin. He’ll outwardly take all the criticism and negative comments with a nod, then torture himself with it later on. Hyunwoo can already envision a domino effect of discord between them, barreling down the rest of the group. Doing something casual with Kihyun wasn’t an option. Especially because the more he thought about it, the more certain he was that last night was the result of something much more than physical attraction.

He never examined it too closely before, but there was something kind of sweet between them. Kihyun had developed a bit of crush after debut. Always so vocal about how nice he looked, how sexy he danced and how well he sang. Constantly feeling his arms or clutching at his shoulders. Hyunwoo liked being complimented by Kihyun. Truthfully, he liked that Kihyun liked him. It felt good. Still, he'd always considered it to be a harmless attraction.

Trainee Hyunwoo only wanted to debut with Kihyun for his voice. They were polite to each other, but they had nothing in common. There was definitely no reason or desire to be around each other. After the agony of No Mercy though, the seven of them had settled in together well. He'd begun to find their little songbird kind of endearing.

While other members were annoyed by Kihyun's nagging, Hyunwoo saw it for it was. Seven out of ten times, Kihyun was really just fishing for a compliment or a little praise. Some form of acknowledgment for taking care of them and the dorm. It had yet to work for the poor kid. As the leader, he probably should have thrown a bone now and then. But, it was too much fun to watch Kihyun get all disgruntled when the guys nagged him right back for being annoying instead. The other three times, Kihyun was generally just in a pissy mood. That was fun to watch, too.

Kihyun was cute. He had an adorable lisp, and tiny feet, and a sweet smile. His breath always smelled like honey, lemon or cinnamon from the throat lozenges he carried around. He was an odd combination of prickly and nurturing. Under different circumstances, he wouldn't mind exploring whatever last night was with Kihyun.

Regardless, that 'next time' Kihyun so sweetly hinted at had to be squashed. They were professionals. Hyunwoo would explain that he takes full responsibility for letting it happen, but it should not and cannot happen again. He knew this was the right thing, but it didn't stop him from feeling like shit as he walked out the door.

\--  
Kihyun heard the front door close and breathed a sigh of relief. His roommates were still fast asleep. He climbed down the bunk and tiptoed out of their room, carefully closing the door behind him. He made some coffee and glared at the unwashed pot in the sink. Heathens.

He settled on the couch, pulled his knees to his chest and clutched his coffee. He needed to lay out his options. He was an analytical man and it was time to analyze.

For some godforsaken reason, Kihyun thought it was a good idea pull Hyunwoo's pants down and have his way with his dick last night. What is wrong with him? It's one thing to think about those kinds of things, another to actually do them. Inside head, safe. Outside head, not safe.

But man, he wanted to do it again. He couldn't speak for Hyunwoo, but for Kihyun, last night was intense. He came ridiculously quick in the shower last night. Also, he may or may not have washed his hair with Hyunwoo's shampoo afterward.

It was interesting. Hyunwoo didn't stop him last night and Kihyun couldn't help but wonder why. He's probably overcomplicating this. A lot of dudes wouldn't turn down a blow job. If anyone had ever deigned to give him one, he wouldn’t have said no either. Furthermore, Kihyun is total newbie whereas Hyunwoo has had many, many, many adventures. Apparently being a backup dancer at JYP is synonymous with having lots of sex. Something like last night is probably no big deal for Hyunwoo. Kihyun's heart itched at that. 

Kihyun had been attracted to Hyunwoo since their trainee days. He'd been caught staring at Hyunwoo in the dance studio or the gym many times over. So, sue him. He was hot. And he moved....well, he moved and it was nice.

That attraction deepened as time went on. He works hard. He puts his members before himself. He's playful. He’ll put himself in all kinds of unwanted situations for the good of the team. When Hyunwoo teases him, Kihyun gets a thrill that's probably not normal. At least Kihyun doesn't think the others' hearts get all fluttery when Hyunwoo's laughing at them. When he really exerts himself or he gets embarrassed, he blushes the softest, prettiest pink in the world.

It's not love. It's somewhere in between like and love. Like one-third of the way towards love. Yes. Kihyun nodded.

Is it possible Hyunwoo could be one-third in love with Kihyun? One-eighth? Maybe that's why he encouraged Kihyun last night.

Kihyun did suspect Hyunwoo liked how small he was. And he's not small. He's just small in comparison, okay? Kihyun's met monbebes that were actually disappointed when they realized they couldn't fit him into their purses. And that's Hyunwoo's fault. And Hyungwon's.

In truth, he likes that Hyunwoo is bigger than him, too. He thinks it would feel great to be embraced Hyunwoo. They've had their fair share of bro hugs, but that's different. To have those strong arms pull him close and squeeze him tight. No need to pull away quickly like the rules of a bro hug mandate. 

Almost all of his alone-time fantasies involve Hyunwoo over him, blanketing and covering him. Hmm. Maybe all he really needs to do is invest in one of those weighted blankets. But other than Hyunwoo's alleged size kink, it's hard to tell if he likes Kihyun. He's equally attentive to all the members like a good leader.

He knows it's not a convenient or good thing to have a crush on a member. An even worse thing to act on those feelings. It's messy and it upsets the balance. How can you just not feel though? Kihyun feels helpless to stop it. It's like a gravitational pull. Hyunwoo's the sun and Kihyun is just trapped in orbit. It's a dangerous situation. If he gets too close, he'll burn up. If he somehow finds a way out this trajectory, he'll wilt and die. It's a wee bit dramatic, but he's an artist. It's allowed.

The real problem is that Hyunwoo is going to stop this. Even if he enjoyed it on a purely sexual level. Even if he somehow has a smidgen of feelings for Kihyun. He knows how this scenario plays out. He'll give Kihyun a gentle lecture on being professional. He'll be sure to use 'we' and not 'you' so that it won't seem like a lecture. He'll throw in how Monsta X always comes before the individual. No shit, Sherlock. He'll say something along the lines of how being an idol is a privilege, but that it comes with responsibility and sacrifice. Well, fuck that Peter Parker bullshit. Kihyun would sooner throw himself out the window than listen to all that. 

The truth is either A) Hyunwoo's not interested in fooling around with him in dark corners and broom closets, B) Hyunwoo's feelings aren't present on the Showki like-love spectrum, or C) Last night was just 'meh' for him. Kihyun doesn't want to listen to any of that either.

Ugh. Why did he have to say next time? He could have protected his pride if he had kept his mouth shut. Could have played it off as a spontaneous one-off. Of course, if had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. "Maybe next time?" What is he, some blushing schoolgirl? 

Perhaps if they just don't address it, it'll go away. Like it never happened. Kihyun squinted his eyes and nodded sagely.

Examining all the cards on the table, Kihyun decides there's nothing left to do but avoid Hyunwoo forever.

\--

That masterful plan worked until approximately 7:30 in the evening.

Kihyun had met his vocal coach a couple hours earlier. The new songs were hard. So very hard. They ran through them over and over. The producers were really challenging him this time. The pitch was too high, or the notes too long, or there wasn’t enough space to take a breath. Besides his jaw bothering him from the previous night, his throat was beginning to feel strained from practice. He would need to back off tomorrow.

Regardless, he decided to stick around and holed himself up in one of the soundproof practice rooms. Partly to keep going. He felt like he was making progress. Partly to prolong returning to the dorm. 

Yet, there was Hyunwoo, knocking on the glass in his gym clothes. Kihyun heaved a sigh and waved him in. The practice rooms were tiny and dimly lit. Kihyun moved to the next chair, closer to the wall. It was cold. Hyunwoo sat in the abandoned chair.

Hyunwoo swung to face Kihyun, knees almost touching. "We should talk about last night."

Wow. Okay. He's just going for it. No foreplay. Kind of similar to last night. Kihyun felt cornered and exposed. And defensive.

His initial protective, instinct to go along with whatever Hyunwoo said was thrown out the window. He suddenly didn't want to make this easy for him. "What about?"

Hyunwoo's eyes widened marginally, taken aback by the flippant tone and response. "Um." He closed his eyes and rubbed his temple. Kihyun felt momentarily vindicated. He was the one about to be hurt after all.

"So, last night was fun. Really. But the thing is..." He looked at Kihyun, "We were impulsive. We didn't think about the consequences before...you know."

"Before..." Kihyun goaded.

"Kihyun." Hyunwoo chided and leveled a disappointed stare at him. "Please. This is already difficult."

Kihyun slowly let out a breath. He sat up straight in his chair and tightly clasped his hands on his lap, not sure what to do with them. He looked back at Hyunwoo, waiting.

"The fact of the matter is that I should not have let that happen. I don't have any excuses to give." He looked at Kihyun helplessly. "But, you and I, we can't do anything like that again. You know that too, right? Monsta X, we're all friends, but we also need to stay professional. Crossing the line like we did, it puts the group at risk."

Kihyun knew he'd say this and he supposed there was maybe some itty-bitty truth to it, but he mostly felt this was an avoidance tactic. Hyunwoo didn't want to make this personal. But this was pretty fucking personal for him. "It doesn't have to though. We could keep it a secret. Even if the others did find out, they wouldn't care. Like you said, we're all friends."

Hyunwoo was beginning to look frustrated.

"Or maybe, did you not like it?" Kihyun asked.

Hyunwoo couldn't believe he just asked that. "Of course, I liked it Kihyun,” he said, exasperated. “You were there. How could you not know?"

Hyunwoo wasn't prepared for Kihyun to challenge him on this. The longer this conversation went on, the more likely it was that Kihyun would get hurt, but if that’s what it took…

He ran a through his hair. "Kihyun. What was last night to you?"

Kihyun looked down, his face flushing. "...I don't know."

"Well. Why did you do it? Were you just curious and wanted to give it a go? Sexually frustrated? Was it because you like me? Something more than that? What?"

Kihyun wasn't sure how to respond. He thought about his thoughts right before he dropped before Hyunwoo yesterday. "I guess I thought you looked stressed? I wanted to make you feel good?" That sounded really stupid out loud.

Hyunwoo looked at him incredulously. "You fell to your knees because I was stressed? Jesus, Kihyun. You do that for all your friends?"

That smarted. Hyunwoo knew perfectly well about his embarrassing lack of sexual history. Yet, he somehow managed to rub that in his face and call him a hussy in the same jibe. The shield he'd been wielding was starting to get too heavy to hold. Maybe it was just time to rip the Band-Aid off. "I think...uh, I suppose it could be all those things you said. Maybe."

Hyunwoo looked away. He took a moment then met his eyes again. "Look. This is harsh, but the why's don't even matter. Going down that road could very well be a dead end for Monsta X. Whether it's casual or something more, you could get hurt. And then what? You think that discord between us wouldn’t ripple out towards the others? Think about it. If you got hurt, do really you think the others, Hoseok or, oh god, do you really think Minhyuk would stand still? I want Monsta X to be a team that stands together for a long time to come. A team that's happy to stand next to each other. I'm not willing to risk that for a few heated moments now and then."

Kihyun swallowed, looking past Hyunwoo to the red emergency exit by the stairs. He felt drained. Wished he'd just quickly agreed with Hyunwoo at the beginning. Then he wouldn't be trapped in this miserable room. His eyes prickled and that never bade well. There was no way he'd let Hyunwoo see him cry though.

"Kihyun. I know this kind of life can get lonely. Even living with six other people. If you're wanting or needing someone in that way, they've got to be outside the group. You've seen how the others discreetly manage affairs like that."

"Right." He was valiantly trying to keep his face from crumbling. He kind of just indirectly confessed and Hyunwoo's telling him to look elsewhere.

He knew his members and Hyunwoo occasionally met up with people. Most idols did. A relationship was hard to manage, but something sporadic and casual with a person they trusted was doable. He was almost positive Changkyun had a thing with that intern-stylist for WJSN. He'd seen Hyungwon actually blush, ears red and everything, whenever they passed by the accounting cubicles to get the managerial area. Almost tripped one time. It was all very covert. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Hyunwoo continued. "And us. Please. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I don't feel uncomfortable around you. Things should continue on as before. Can we do that?"

"Of course." Kihyun nodded.

"Okay. Are you- Do you have anything else you want to talk about?"

"Nope. I'm good." Kihyun responded a little too brightly.

"Alright." Hyunwoo hesitatingly got up. He didn't like how this was wrapping up. Kihyun didn't look right. "I'll see you later. Don't stay here too late." Hyunwoo went to the door. "Goodnight."

"Night." Kihyun waved him goodbye. He watched him walk out to the stairwell door. He was probably headed up to the gym. Business as usual.

Kihyun sagged against the desk and hid his head in his arms. He didn't cry. He shouldn't cry. Just this morning, he was thinking that this was exactly how it would go. And he was right. It stung more than he was anticipating.

He definitely wasn't going to get any more work done. Not with this lump in his throat. He popped a honey-lemon lozenge in his mouth, grabbed his bag and turned off the lights. He made his way to their manager’s cubicle. Hongsik had offered to take him home earlier. 

Hongsik hyung looked up from the paperwork scattered over his desk. "Ready?"

"Yes."

In the car, Hyung examined Kihyun. "What's wrong? Bad day?"

"Nothing. Just tired."

"Don't worry about the songs. You'll get it. You always do."

"Mhmm. Thanks." 

He dropped him off in front of their dorm. "Get some rest, kiddo. Make sure the others do, too. You may or may not be woken up extra early any day now. But you didn't hear it from me, clear?"

Kihyun's eyebrows rose. "Ah. Understood. Goodnight." He made a show of zipping his lips and waved him off. 

Monsta X-Ray Season Four, already? Maybe some other show? Kihyun brightened a little. A busy schedule was exactly what he needed. Tonight, he'd let himself wallow. Tomorrow, he would be okay. Fake it till you make it, right?

He entered the dorm, putting his shoes on the shelf. He rolled his eyes and bent to pick up everyone else's shoes too. Minhyuk and Jooheon were in the living room watching TV. Changkyun had gone home for his mom's birthday and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Hyungwon and Hoseok must be in their room.

He put on his baby blue pajama pants, softest t-shirt, and fuzziest socks. He sat on the bottom bunk. It wasn't even nine o'clock. Kind of early to go to bed. He was kind of hungry but didn't see the point in eating dinner this late. Instead, he went to the bathroom to finish getting ready. He went to grab his face wash from the shower and stepped into a puddle. Dammit. 

And why was that the thing that broke the dam? He choked on the lump that had been forming in his throat and the tears just started falling. He locked the door and sat on the edge of the tub, putting his hands over his mouth. There's no way anyone would hear in the living room, but sounds carried easily to the bedroom next door. Hyungwon or Hoseok could.

This was so stupid but try telling his eyes that. His throat hurt from trying not to sob. 

So, he didn't get to try anything with Hyunwoo. So, what? It's not like Hyunwoo disliked him or didn't enjoy last night. He just didn't want that kind of relationship with him. That was fair. It's just that everything happened so fast, within the span of 24 hours. It was a lot. Emotional whiplash.

He let the tears run their course. He brushed his teeth, used his hands to drink some cold water. He undressed and stepped into the shower, wanting to give the evidence on his face more time to calm down. He hadn't brought his towel, so he pulled the pajamas on over his wet skin and threw his wet socks into the hamper. He looked at his reflection, relieved. He looked normal, eyes only slightly red. It wasn't anything the guys would comment on.

He padded back towards his room before he thought better of it, making a U-turn and going back to the living room. Minhyuk wordlessly lifted the blanket, eyes still locked on the screen. Kihyun slid in next to him on the couch. This was better. Minhyuk's warm arm felt nice against his. Kihyun could sense Minhyuk glance at him for a second but just rested his head on his shoulder. Bless Minhyuk. If Minhyuk had a superpower, he was pretty sure he'd be an empath. 

He had no idea what was happening in the movie but found himself becoming absorbed in it anyways.

\--

Hyunwoo was out of breath. His lungs and legs burning. Hyunwoo stopped the treadmill. His feet were beginning to land awkwardly. The last thing he needed was an injury. He emptied his water bottle, gasping for air. Hyunwoo recognized that he was punishing himself. He deserved it. It also felt better to feel something besides guilt.

Damn. That was hard. He couldn’t get how Kihyun’s lower lip trembled out of his head. Kihyun had tried so hard to keep a neutral face when he told him to try something with someone else. Kihyun could act, but he couldn’t hide his own emotions worth shit.

It had to be done though. Kihyun’s reaction proved his point. If he was this hurt before even starting anything, how hurt would he be two months down the road? A year? It was for the best.

Sweat stung his eyes. He would need to work hard this week to get them back to normal. Tease him, sling his arm around him, compliment him. He figured Kihyun may want some space and it was unfair of him not to respect that. He just didn’t want to give Kihyun a chance to pull away. They were friends, a team, a family.

The variety show he had been a part of officially wrapped up today and dance practices would commence tomorrow. The seven of them would be together a lot. That was a good thing.

He was meaner than he intended to be and regretted some of his words. In all honesty, he was utterly charmed when Kihyun said he just wanted to make him feel good. Kihyun said he liked him, maybe more than like. Hyunwoo was a bastard for liking that so much. A total dick.

He sighed. Well, it’s done now. He grabbed his keys and peaked in on the third floor, where he last saw Kihyun, making sure he had gone home, before going down to the garage.

It was eleven o’clock when he walked into the dorm, kicking his shoes off. The lights were out and it was quiet. That was unusual. Shouldn’t somebody be out here playing video games or making ramen? Looking down the other hall, the boys’ room looked dark. They must have gone to bed early. 

He went into his room. Hoseok was reading a book and nodded in greeting. Hyungwon had an eye-mask on, earbuds in. Probably sleeping.

“You look like shit,” Hoseok said.

Hyungwon leaned up on an arm and pulled his mask down. He laughed. “What happened to you?”

Okay. Not sleeping.

“I just came from the gym. Give me a break.”

“I don’t know. You look like mommy took your favorite toy away.” Hyungwon said.

“Or someone peed in your Cheerios,” Hoseok added.

“Why’s everyone in bed already?” He changed the subject.

“Kihyun popped in a little while ago. Said we’re going to be kidnapped really early soon, not sure what day.” Hoseok explained.

“Yeah. Can you make Hoseok turn off the damn light so I can get some beauty sleep? This doesn’t just happen on its own, you know.” Hyungwon gestured to his face.

“I told you five minutes ago I was almost done.” Hoseok gritted out.

“Yeah. That was five minutes ago.” Hyungwon countered.

Hyunwoo laughed. He wasn’t going to touch this one. He grabbed his towel and went to shower.

They were all going to be okay. He’d make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super pleased with this, but I have to post this now or I'll never get around to studying for my Calculus test tomorrow. Sorry if you were expecting sexy times or sunshine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot that I wrote this chapter a while back. Oopsie.

Kihyun flopped onto the couch and crossed his legs up on the cushion. It was two days after the incident. One day after it was over before it could even begin. He turned on the TV, aimlessly surfing the channels. He was bored and dance practice wasn’t until 4:00 today. Four hours to go.

He was feeling marginally better today. Last night, he burrowed under the covers and thought about how he would like for things to proceed. Realistically, the only positive way forward was to return to the way things were before this whole mess. Besides, that’s what Hyunwoo wanted. He was disappointed, but that was life. Hyunwoo’s friendship was important to him. So, even though he was embarrassed, he would push through and carry on as normal. Or, at least try.

There was a certain amount of peace in knowing his path. The tumultuous and overwhelming feelings of yesterday ebbing away. Still, as those ebbed, a new one flowed in. His worth. He wasn’t worthy of a man like Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo could have anyone he wanted. He started to question every aspect of himself. If he were handsome like the others, would Hyunwoo have been more inclined to try? If he were nicer? If he were skinnier?

If he’s being honest, it’s not unusual for him to have thoughts like this. He lives and works with unfairly beautiful people that are smart, funny and charming. It’s impossible not to compare yourself. To look to his left and then to his right during a photoshoot and find himself lacking. Of course, this was Kihyun’s problem, not Hyunwoo’s or anyone else’s. 

Last night, Hyunwoo told him to look outside the group. Look outside the group? The people Kihyun knew consisted of his members (a no no), his managers (eww), his vocal coach (married), producers (terrifying), make-up and coordi noonas (female), and the back-up dancers (…maybe?). He never looked at the dancers in that light before. Why hadn’t he looked at them before? They’re of a similar age and friendly. Ah, that’s right. He hadn’t looked, because he only saw Hyunwoo.

He stretched for the August GQ magazine off the coffee table, flipping to the page featuring Hyunwoo. It was damning that he knew exactly where to open it. Looking down at the glossy pages, he thought, “How can anyone compete with that?” Hyunwoo spoiled all other men for him without even meaning too. Bastard.

His eyes and finger traced the broad line of his tan, smooth shoulders. He wondered how many kisses he could fit on that glorious back.  
\--  
Hoseok grinned, spotting Kihyun on the couch. He crept up behind him, silently leaning over the back of the couch to look over his shoulder. He smirked.

Putting his mouth right to his ear, “Whatcha looking at?”

Kihyun jumped, flailing to the side. Heart pounding, he scrambled to close the magazine, inadvertently crumpling the pages in his fingers. “Hoseok! You scared me to death,” he whined.

Hoseok laughed. This was too much fun. “Ogling our fearless leader?”

Kihyun’s eyes widened. “N-no!”

Hoseok tutted. “I don’t know. That definitely wasn’t my spread…”

“I was thinking. I didn’t even know what page it was,” Kihyun defended, red cheeks betraying him.

Hoseok ruffled his hair. “Sure, sure.”

Kihyun scowled, fixing the strands. “What do you want?”

“Make me some ramen? Please, Kihyunnie.”

“You have hands, do it yourself.” Kihyun was miffed. 

“Don’t be like that. You make it the best and if I do it, I’ll make a mess.”

Kihyun stared at him unimpressed. “It’s ramen, not a five-star Michelin course.” But, the compliment did mollify him somewhat. He huffed, “Fine.”

Hoseok’s answering smile was contagious and he grinned despite himself as they went to the kitchen. 

Waiting for the water boil, Hoseok stalled. He wasn’t sure if he had any right to bring it up. The bathroom was the one place that you could get a moment of privacy in the dorm. It wasn’t cool of him to ask about it, but he was concerned.

“So, you want to tell me why you were crying last night?”

Kihyun stiffened. “I wasn’t.”

Hoseok clearly wasn’t buying it. “I distinctly heard your muffled sobs. It’s very particular.”

Kihyun shot Hoseok an annoyed look. He definitely wasn’t going to talk about Hyunwoo with Hoseok. He needed to give him something else. Hyungwon always said lying with a truth was the best way to lie. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m just stressed about the recordings. I don’t feel like I’m going to be ready.”

“You’ll do fine.”

Kihyun sighed. He was tired of hearing that. He was struggling and he was scared, dreading the recording booth. Being told to do it again and again, and over and over in increasingly agitated tones. It wears you down. “Everyone keeps saying that. What if the producers get annoyed and take my parts away?”

Kihyun immediately winced, hearing his words. He shouldn’t have said that even if it was a legitimate worry for him. A lot of the members already didn’t get many lines. He sounded spoiled and selfish. He was spoiled and selfish.

“First of all, we’ve all heard and studied the songs. We’re good, but we can’t do those parts, especially live. That’s why they were given to you. Secondly, even if they are disappointed, which they won’t be, there’s no one else to give them to. There’s a reason you’re the main vocal. Trust that.”

Hoseok nudged him with his shoulder. “Hey, I’ll help you. It’s better to have a pair of ears that aren’t your own. We can lock ourselves in the practice room like the old days.”

Kihyun gave Hoseok a small smile, thankful. “Thanks. That sounds nice.” 

Changkyun returned as lunch was ready, dropping his bag and shoes at the door. “Perfect timing.”

Settled at the table, they ate and peppered Changkyun with questions about his trip. Kihyun stopped after the first serving, thinking of his diet. He was content to sit with them. He aimlessly swirled a swollen noodle back and forth in his bowl, thoughts from earlier returning. The conversation died down.

“Hey, guys? How did you know? I mean, with your person… how did you know if you could trust them?”

Hoseok’s eyes lit up, elated. “Yoo Kihyun. Is there something you’re not telling us?”

He rolled his eyes. He should have known better. This is why he didn’t talk to them about this sort of stuff. Kihyun itched to slap that stupid smile off his stupid face. Changkyun just looked awestruck.

“No, he clarified, “I’m just wondering how you guys started it.”

Hoseok nodded gravely and cleared his throat. “Well, you see, when a person has an attraction to another person, we call that-”

Kihyun went to launch himself across the table, but Changkyun pushed him back into his seat, laughing.

“Sorry,” Hoseok soothed, hands up in surrender. He scratched his neck, thinking. “I think my case is a bit different. I don’t have anyone here. There’s just a friend from school I see when I go back home, so the trust was already there? It’s nothing serious, but we like each other well enough. The sex is good. Sometimes she’s single when I go home and sometimes she’s not. If she’s not single, we just hang out as friends.”

“But you hardly ever go home.”

Hoseok let out a long-suffering sigh, “Don’t I know it.”

“Then what’s the point? Is it even worth it?”

Hoseok regarded him as if he had three heads. “To get laid a few times a year? Yeah, it’s worth it.”

Kihyun felt cold, discontent with that answer. He looked to Changkyun. “You?”

He shrugged. “I met her in the elevator one day. We flirted, exchanged numbers and that was that.” 

Well, that was anticlimactic. 

“But to answer your question,” Changkyun continued, “As far as trust? There’s always going to be a small risk, but she works for the company. It wouldn’t be in her best interest to leak anything.”

Hoseok nodded. “If I were you, I’d go for an employee. They’re already close by. Plus, every employee signs a contract upon hire, including a nondisclosure statement regarding the artists. It’s the company’s way of protecting our privacy and reputation.”

“The hardest part is to not get too invested. You can only take it so far before someone wants more, but more isn’t possible. Keep enough distance so that it’s easy to break it off when the time comes.” Changkyun shrugged. “All that aside, it’s a lot of fun. A nice escape every now and then.”

Kihyun sometimes hated how grown-up and well-spoken Changkyun was. It made him feel like a child. His brow crinkled, the whole thing sounded detached and clinical. 

Hoseok kicked him under the table to get his attention. “Hey,” he assured, “It’s not for everyone.”

“Are you interested?” Changkyun asked, curious.

“Uh, no. I don’t think so.” He got up to clear the table.

Hoseok standing to help him. “If you change your mind, let me know. You have some admirers waiting in the wings already.”

“Yep.” Changkyun nodded, fiddling with his phone.

Kihyun reddened. The skepticism must have shown on his face because Hoseok pinched his cheek and cooed. “What? You’re cute.”

He batted his hand away and turned around to grab the utensils, freezing. 

They must not have heard the door open. Hyunwoo was leaning against the entrance to the kitchen. How long had he been standing there?

Oblivious, Changkyun agreed with Hoseok. “Yeah. What did that one dude say about you again? Oh yeah.” He chortled. “A mysterious siren with the sweetest ass. No? No. That’s not right. An ass made for kneading? Squeezing? Smacking? Huh. Well, you get the picture.” 

“Hi hyung.” Kihyun said weakly, face on fire.

Hoseok turned from the sink, sporting a shit-eating grin, “Hey Hyunwoo. Where’d you come from? You just missed lunch.”

Hyunwoo tore his eyes from Kihyun to glare at Hoseok. “It’s fine. Already ate.”

Flustered, Kihyun joined Hoseok at the sink, happy to have his back to Hyunwoo. ‘Fuck my life,’ he thought, drying the bowl with way more force than necessary. A higher power must be testing him.

\--  
Kihyun was panting, sprawled on the floor. He blindly reached for his water bottle, downing it, before dropping back to the ground again. Man, he must be out of shape. Looking at the other members though, they seemed to be struggling too, damp shirts sticking to their skin. It was eight o’clock. They’ve been practicing for four hours.

The choreography was undeniably sexy and undeniably hard. That was Hyunwoo’s style. Kihyun was so proud of him. This was first time he was able to choreograph for the group with complete autonomy. He earned it, taking every chance and opportunity he got along the way. Now, he was the choreographer. Kihyun was happy for him, a grin spreading across his face.

Grabbing the hem of his shirt, he dabbed some of the sweat off his face, peaking at Hyunwoo. He was too rattled by the onslaught of choreography earlier to really appreciate him and that just wouldn’t do. Kihyun started at his legs, from his ankles to his strong calves, to his knees and higher, where those insane thigh muscles began before the fucking basketball shorts cut him off. Kihyun squeezed his eyes closed, biting his lip, and sent up a quick prayer for himself. He must be pretty deep if ankles and knees did it for him. Unable to resist, he looked over again. Hyunwoo’s thin white t-shirt stuck to his body with sweat. Hyunwoo’s back was to him, but he cataloged the dips and divots of his stomach and the breadth of his chest through the mirror. His eyes inched up past his favorite wide shoulders to his neck and to his face, which was staring directly back at him through the mirror.

Fuck my life.  
\--  
Hyunwoo finally got his chance at the shower, eager to clean up, put on fresh clothes and relax for the evening. They all deserved it. The members always worked hard in the studio, but today they were focused and determined in a way he’d never seen before. He knew they were doing it for him and it meant everything to him. 

He rinsed off under the spray, watching the suds build up around the drain. He promised himself he wouldn’t think about Kihyun, but Kihyun kept making that exceptionally hard. First, this afternoon. He was upset by the fact Kihyun was already showing an interest in trying something with someone. It was illogical for him to feel this way. He understood that. Wasn’t he the one to suggest it in the first place?

Then the studio. He shivered. Kihyun staring at him, out of breath from practice. His hand fisting his t-shirt half way up his torso, like he forgot what he was doing. Hyunwoo could see his trim, pale belly taking deep inhales and exhales, mouth slack. Hyunwoo cursed. Why did he have to be such an open book? If only Kihyun could keep all that want and desire hidden or even tone it down a notch. Hyunwoo was only human.


End file.
